[all the time I pray to Buddha]
After Rebecca Hazelton
a fly lands in the room and prays with me
lending his knees to the flowers. to the nappako he
leaves his prayers. my hands are patterned with
the scorned carpet. I pray for more than
harboring the sweat on my face. I asked Buddha to
enter my body, to lift the limbs I am too tired
to carry. I pray, too, for something to crave. something
internal that I can lose. I want to lose something
microscopic and feel its absence in my sleep. I
eat my alms and rice, eat prayers and
I leave my feet dirted and bloodied, I
pray for something better. to be distasteful,
regretful. I pray for balance, pray for
anger pray to the flies and the
youth, too, I pray for money,
too, I pray to be something great. I hold
onto the statue, gold and beautiful
Buddha, why do you hate me? I cannot
understand the truths. deities hate me.
deities who remember me as You. dangered,
damaged. the fly lands on my shoulder, falls to my
hand. I pushed him into the ground. squashed and
ashamed.
Dukkha:the Pain of Suffering
The first noble truth
we were sick
together I was mad
in the heart and You
loved the feeling of being
sickly You swaddled yourself in
“get well soon” cards and ate
thickened water like candy I loved
it too before I knew
that we would not get better
veins bruise and turn
into lakes against your skin
even You cannot return from this
I am told to lie to the ones I love like
they are stupid or unknowing You
are still conscious and You know
that I am afraid I know
not to cry but am torn between healing
and writing I pick apart
words in an attempt of absolution
my words that look at You
Your head against the pillows
mouth agape and tasting soured
air that You spit it out like
rotten fruit.
Buddha leaves me
at the gate, feet
covered in calluses, dirt
toes dig into clay, the clay
my mother worked
so hard to get
the Plumeria’s petals
drift, leaves
follow, I walk
towards a home
that doesn’t
recognize me
I recognize
only the stones
the kitchen’s outline
where I learned to gut fish
chew on sugarcane
I didn’t
go back
for the longest time
scared I would
not know what
to do with whatever
Remained