Like smoke, Dad was gone. He’d always been fleeting. Since Georgia and her siblings
were teenagers, he was never a constant. Sometimes he’d disappear for days at a time and then
suddenly turn up, ready to wreak havoc on the house and the lives inside it until he’d leave again.
However, he’d vanished for good this time. Only a few reminders he’d ever lived in the
house remained. There were empty beer bottles and piles of records in the living room. Old clay
magnets still stuck on the fridge after all these years, holding up photographs stained with time.
His few items of clothing were left in the closet upstairs, waiting to be boxed up and shoved into
a dusty attic. The old surfboards they used to take down to the beach, leaning up against the
backdoor, just how they’d left them years ago.
The wooden porch, now rotting, the dark oak color rubbing off in certain spots, creaked
just the same as it always had when Georgia sat down on its stoop. The chilly Oregon air blew
across her face, reminding her of the times she’d sneak out here in the middle of the night to
meet up with the friends Dad always disapproved of. The thought that he disapproved of what
she did always baffled her, even more so that he would comment on it.
She wrapped her cardigan around her now smaller frame and sighed, breathing out into
the fall breeze. It was cold outside, but not so much that it forced her back inside. Honestly, she’d
rather sit out here until her eyelashes froze if it meant she could skip out on reliving her
childhood through cracked picture frames and dusty knicknacks.
“Too much for you?” Christine stepped out of the door, looking down at Georgia. When
she met her younger sister’s eyes, Georgia caught a flash of her father. The dark green, the same
shade she met countless times during heated arguments that turned into screaming matches with
him, the same shade that drained from his eyes after he drank himself to unconsciousness.
Georgia always ended up at his side, praying to any god out there that he would wake up.
Sometimes it was hard to look Christine directly in the eyes, no matter how much she
loved her. In fact, when Georgia moved out the day after her 18th birthday; it would be five years before she was forced to face her little sister again. It wasn’t Christine’s fault that she looked so much like dad, and it also wasn’t her fault that Georgia and his relationship only got worse over time..
“I guess so,” Georgia quickly turned her attention back to the view in front of her: tall
trees with the sandy shore and crashing waves just beyond them. Every time her eyes met the
sight beyond her, she was taken back to the Oregon summers of her childhood. Dashing out the
screen door in her wetsuit, her little siblings right behind her, with Dad carrying their tiny
surfboards. “It’s so strange being back here, Chris. I know that we lived our whole childhoods
here, but I can’t get rid of the feeling that it’s not our home.”
“Yeah, I know.” Christine took a seat beside Georgia. “I feel it too. But then I found the
bowls we used to eat cereal out of every morning before the bus came, the sand buckets that we
played with so much they cracked, and the deck of cards we learned to play euchre with… and I
remember that I was a kid here, we were kids here.”
“I never fought with him back then,” Georgia sighed, reminiscing on the times she
actually got along with her father.
“He was just… Dad,” Christine agreed. The sisters sat in silence on the front porch for a
moment, the only sound coming from the water crashing against the shoreline, making the waves
seem violent. However, the ocean had always been the least violent thing in their lives.
“I never should have left you and Elliot,” Georgia muttered, her quiet voice breaking.
“What are you talking about?” Christine wondered.
“I should’ve scooped you both up in my arms and taken you away from this place. I
could’ve saved you. Don’t you hate me for leaving? I’m your big sister… I-I’m supposed to be
your protector. And I left you, and I left Elliot.”
“I could never hate you, Georgie, not for anything,” Christine turned to face Georgia,
whose brown eyes gleamed with tears.
“But I was selfish.”
“I think you deserved to be selfish for once.”
Georgia broke into sobs, folding over on herself as she cried. She wept into her hands for
a long time. She didn’t know if she was crying over her dad or her siblings or both. Then she felt
scarily unfamiliar arms wrap around her body, leaning into her sister’s side as Georgia heaved
with tears, most of them likely drenching Christine’s shirt.
Georgia couldn’t believe she was the one crying on her baby sister’s shoulder. She’d
always been the person her siblings leaned on for comfort. She’d always been the person they
ran to when they were sad. No matter how much Christine and Elliot bugged her growing up,
Georgia would never turn them away. Instead, she’d invite them into her room, scooch over, and
cuddle with them under the covers until they were fast asleep, safely dreaming in the comfort of
her arms.
“You didn’t need to save us., We got out eventually,” Christine started, cradling Georgia close. “All you could do was save yourself, and you did. You lived your life, Georgia. It doesn’t matter if you were selfish. Growing up, Elliot and I always had our big sister looking after us, but you didn’t. You needed to be that for yourself.”
“Still–” Georgia sat up, sniffling as she wiped her wet face, “What if I had waited a little
longer, saved up a little more? We all could’ve left.”
“What if? Georgia, we will never know.” Christine took Georgia’s hand, squeezing it
lightly.
“Elliot could…”
“Don’t even say that.”
“It’s true, you know it is.”
“Yeah, it probably is. But you can’t change the past, and you certainly can’t blame
yourself for it.”
At times it seemed like it was the three of them against the world, stuck together on their
own little island, especially when Dad would go off on his own. They were unsure of the world
beyond their bubble, but they were together.
“I hate how broken our family is,” Georgia sighed, resting her head on Christine’s
shoulder.
“What makes you say it’s broken?” Christine asked, peering down at Georgia.
“We have no parents and our brother is dead. Plus, this is the first time I’ve seen you in
two years.”
“I think our true family was really me, you, and Elle. He’s always with us, I know it. So,
how can a family be broken if they are stuck together for life?”
“All these years and… maybe we never did leave each other’s sides.”
“I know I’ve always been with you.”
Georgia had tried for years to bury her childhood, doing everything she could to block it
out. But she never could forget the times she spent with her siblings, how far she’d go for them.
They were truly the only people she loved unconditionally, without ever having to think about it.
Those memories of the Oregon coast, their little cabin they called home for many long
years, Georgia could never truly shake them. But, why would she ever want to shake her baby
brother and sister? They were irreplaceable, unable to be remade. Georgia would forever be a
sister., Nothing, not even the most terrible things, would change that.
